Thinking about Thinking

 Writing this blog illuminates my thinking process. I have a tendency to process information all at once; my brain doesn’t separate out and sift through material. This tendency causes me brain overload at times and sometimes makes my gears spin, especially in dramatic situations. In my day-to-day work, my inability to screen inputs interferes with my focus. But it’s also why I’m creative and the reason I process things quickly, particularly emotional content.

On my Hero’s Journey, I’ve handled this processing reality (or deficit depending on your perspective) by not accessing information until I’m ready. This is why I didn’t open the insurance policy right away. Or the patient treatment information binder. Or the manilla envelope full of hair loss resources. Or any of those recommended medical websites.

I’m learning to respect the way I think. My mind is a river and I’m intentionally controlling the floodgates.

Today, though, I have a new worry. I’m worrying about why I’m not worrying. I’m not feeling like I’m in a fight for my life. I feel I’m on a treatment path. Admittedly, I felt puny for a few days after the first round of chemo (and the second round’s coming up this week.) For the most part, though, including right this minute, I feel 100 percent. I don’t want to listen to the series of meditation tapes a friend sent me. I want to do other things. I don’t want to think about cancer.

I watch myself going through the stages on this journey and adjusting. Today, I am feeling bolder about the hair loss. I haven’t shaved my head yet but I’m starting to like the new me. I’m laughing about my lightheadedness, my bare scalp. I pull off my cap and tease my husband about how lucky he is to have me; a woman that looks like me could have any man she wants. I’m wondering if I’ll ever go back to longer hair. 

I worry that I could adjust to anything. And I hope I’m not tested on that. I hope this story doesn’t become more dramatic. I hope it stays boring.