I
haven’t written for a while because I have no news. No news but an inner guilt
associated with the stage I’m at, which is called ‘survivorship’.
Here are a few of the things I feel guilty about: not exercising enough; indulging in a few too many of those left-over snack-sized Milky Ways at the bottom of the trick-or-treat barrel; sliding back into coffee again (although I went a couple days on the weekend with none and no headache so I don’t feel addicted); grabbing less-than-healthy meals rather than salad on busy days, i.e. not being fully intentional and still loving food; and sometimes forgetting to take my stash of vitamin supplements, which include Magnesium, Calcium, Vitamin D and Turmeric.
If I unpack the “guilt”, I find ‘fear’. Fear that because I’m not perfect and vigilant and disciplined in all my habits, as I never have been, the cancer could come back. Fear that maybe I was responsible in some way for this journey in the first place. My fear is so real that just now I wrote C and then went back and inserted the word ‘cancer’. I find myself not wanting to write the word, not wanting to say the word, just wanting to forget all this happened in 2013. It was a fluke, the year ’13 was simply bad luck; ’14 will definitely be better. I also find myself checking my right breast daily, feeling for anything suspicious residing near the chest wall. I’m happy with my decision to not have anything done to my healthy breast, but these feelings are real and present even as I deny them.
Here are a few of the things I feel guilty about: not exercising enough; indulging in a few too many of those left-over snack-sized Milky Ways at the bottom of the trick-or-treat barrel; sliding back into coffee again (although I went a couple days on the weekend with none and no headache so I don’t feel addicted); grabbing less-than-healthy meals rather than salad on busy days, i.e. not being fully intentional and still loving food; and sometimes forgetting to take my stash of vitamin supplements, which include Magnesium, Calcium, Vitamin D and Turmeric.
If I unpack the “guilt”, I find ‘fear’. Fear that because I’m not perfect and vigilant and disciplined in all my habits, as I never have been, the cancer could come back. Fear that maybe I was responsible in some way for this journey in the first place. My fear is so real that just now I wrote C and then went back and inserted the word ‘cancer’. I find myself not wanting to write the word, not wanting to say the word, just wanting to forget all this happened in 2013. It was a fluke, the year ’13 was simply bad luck; ’14 will definitely be better. I also find myself checking my right breast daily, feeling for anything suspicious residing near the chest wall. I’m happy with my decision to not have anything done to my healthy breast, but these feelings are real and present even as I deny them.
Tomorrow, bright and early, I have my last surgery. This is the one where the
plastic surgeon swaps out my croquet-ball-hard tissue expander with the
implant. This is a good thing. I’ve scheduled it so I won’t miss my Tuesday and Wednesday night
classes this week or next. I check in at 6:30 and expect to be home by 2. I'm thinking of wearing the red shoes I
bought two months ago, clicking my heels together and saying those magic words...
This is the coming-home again part of my journey.
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